Author Archives: Bharti Athray

Is your teen’s art teacher stifling him?

Personally, I love drawing, painting and crafting things with my hands. I think that is what really makes me ‘Me!’ My teen has seen me do it, and as a child I always encouraged him to take up painting, even sent him to a drawing class that he thought was boring.

As he grew into his teens, his interest in drawing dropped completely, instead he nurtured a new interest in music, sports and took up parkour very seriously for almost 2 years. As the academic pressure of the higher classes set in, he had little time for the outdoors. Then, all of a sudden he began drawing – weird teenage stuff of course, but there he was… making pen and ink drawings in his books, telling me stories around what he drew and often referring to Dali, our favourite artist, for his inspiration. He would go through Dali’s coffee table book for hours, trying to understand the imagery and the connects. And days later, I would see some shadow of the great painter’s work in his own work.

No, he does not paint like Dali, a long way from there still, but he is trying to think like him, follow his thought process, connect different ideas and create a new piece. All of this happened after Std. VIII, when art was dropped in school as a subject of study.

‘So what exactly do your paintings and poems really say, kid?’ I asked him. ‘Oh, lots, they talk about how I am feeling in that moment, sometimes I try to write like my favourite song writers, other times I imagine I am writing for the next Spoken Word event, where I will perform my piece…’ he says passionately.

From the parent’s eyes

This was interesting for me to observe as a parent. You see, he was not a particularly good art student, could never colour within the lines, his water color paintings were often marred by patches of too much water or too little of it… and his human figures right through school were well… different. He and his art teacher did not quite hit it off, and he struggled with grades in the art exams. It was sad for me to see that as I had hoped he would grow up to love art as much as I did… but obviously, that was not to be.

So his new avatar where he began to draw and look up art books and try his hand at painting came as a surprise to me. During the last years of school when he was supposed to be studying and practicing for good grades in Maths and Science, he would buy himself sketch books and spend hours drawing, sketching and perfecting his art pieces. And with my love for the same, I could not help but sit down with him and guide him on how to get a certain angle right… not that I am a studied artist, but I have learnt a few tricks and tips along the way.

Rediscovering art

He recently completed a beautiful oil painting on canvas, it is gorgeous. He is proud of it too. This piece made me realize that in the last few years, he had been denying his creative expression through this medium. His relation with his art teacher and having been given marks that clearly showed that he was not ‘artistic’ had made him stay away from drawing, colours, paint… the works.

Once there was no judging, he found this to be a great way to express himself and found a voice all his own. His works have images combined with words and icons that he sees in his fav music videos all rolled into one.

I learnt: Art is a medium of expression, not just a profession

This experience has taught me that we ought not to judge our children by the syllabus that has been set out by the schools. There has to be a wider, more open participation and encouragement for the young minds and hearts to be able to express themselves. Not everyone is going to be a professional artist, not everyone needs to colour within the lines; but I do believe each child at every age must be encouraged to express himself through art. This is where they learn to discover themselves and deal with their emotions.

Where freedom of expression is threatened, thinking slowly dies

Let us remember that it is the dictatorial governments who stop their creative citizens from expressing themselves. The writers, the painters, the theatre performers, the singers  – they are the bravest citizens of a country for they dare to state things as they see them, for they have little to lose. These creatives are committed to their vision of the world, to have their distinctive view of all that is happening around them and they dare to say and do things that normal people don’t. The governments that are trying to control the masses, and stop them from thinking, clamp the freedom of expression; and societies where this is done face a slow down. They stop progressing, and over decades one can see a definite collapse of their social, economic and political systems (read: Communist Societies)

The future belongs to creative innovators, not repeaters!

As parents and teachers, we should take this aspect of creative expression seriously. What is taught in schools is what we already know : grammar for language, a certain method of writing, drawing singing… yes, it is important to learn the basics, but let us also use the creative spaces to teach our children to think for themselves, let them use these media to explore their personalities, to define what freedom really means to them… after all, the future really belongs to those who will be able to bring different ideas together, not those who can repeat that has already been defined. For that we have AI and bots…

I am glad my teen has gone from being a consumer of art to being a creator….


How to keep your teen safe on social media

Right, so here we are talking about one of the most pressing issues of our times: Social media and teens. It is a topic that all adults know needs to be addressed, and one that the teens believe, their parents should stay away from.

Attend any PTA meeting in school, and you will hear the teachers warn you of the dangers of letting young children access social media without adequate parental guidance. There is the fear of stalking, of having online relationships with adults who are upto no good, the danger of cyber bullying, the fear of your child creating a digital trail that may come back to haunt him in later years when he starts applying to universities or for jobs… the concerns are endless.

But the flip side: this is the technology of the future, everybody is on it. Your child’s future academic institute will look for blogs and Facebook communities that your child has set up, invested time in or nurtured, the networks they make here are ones that can connect them to their future mentors, they follow their icons, study and observe how these social media celebrities have become icons and hope to do so themselves.


Understanding the power of social media
The young people today are not just dreamers, they dream big, and they are brave, very brave, I think. To them, failure as a concept does not exist. What social media has done for us as a society is made us realize that you don’t have to win the Nobel Prize to be considered successful. Each community has its success stories, consisting of passionate people who wanted to make a difference. Social media brings these young achievers and doers to the fore, inspiring others in their age group to do the same.

You hear their interviews on radio, they perform at local clubs, some of them travel across the nation or even the world, sharing their passion and their stories, in the process building a network of followers and becoming more famous and thereby, according to the traditional standards, successful.

Can I make social media work for my teen?
These positives make me ask the question, what should I do about social media and my child being on it. If he spends too much time on it, it affects his academics; if I take his access away, I fear he is being left behind. As a parent, how do I strike a balance?

Some of the answers by experts dealing with children and teens can be a route that you may want to adopt:

  • First and foremost acknowledge that your child will have a social media presence. In this day and age to expect otherwise is living in a fool’s paradise. We fear social media as we are not very comfortable navigating this digital world. Your teen knows it well in terms of how it functions technically, how the various networks are connected and how people using it to their advantage.
  • Set up your own social media accounts and ask your teen to help you understand how the different media work. Most teens are happy to teach you as it makes them feel you appreciate their inputs instead of constantly telling them that they don’t know anything.
  • Speak to your teen about the real world dangers when you were a teen, how you were advised to remain safe and how the safe rules apply online. Eg: Don’t speak to strangers, don’t share your information with people you don’t know, don’t be rude to peers even the ones you don’t get along with… explain to him / her that apart from their friends viewing their social media posts, there are also known adults who could be checking them out, like teachers and their friends’ parents.
  • Teach him to mind his language: Content posted online by young teens can appear out of line, brash or even vulgar to adults who are not used to the lingo teens use between themselves. This can easily be misconstrued and spoil a teen’s reputation. I have found it important to explain to my teen to use his language very carefully on social media keeping in mind that the other child’s parents may be accessing his / her friend’s account. Being aware of this fact ensures the social media conversation remain publicly acceptable.
  • Follow your teen on social media, but as an observer: Ask your teen if he is ok with you following him on social media accounts. Most teens do not have a problem with that as long as you don’t keep commenting on each post. A ‘Like’ once in a while is appreciated. Being very vocal in a space that he shares with his friends is like inviting his friends to come over and sitting in the room while they want to share their private stories.
    You would not do that in real life, so don’t do it online. Give the child his / her space, you are just following the account to keep an eye on his / her activities.
  • Follow his close friends, but don’t invade their privacy: My teen helped me set up my Instagram account and also asked his close friends to be my first followers. This encouraged me start posting regularly and his friends would regularly ‘Like’ my posts, making me feel good. This also let me follow them and watch the activities on his friends’ pages. Please note, the same rules of online conduct apply for friends’ account: comment as little as possible, Likes are ok, it makes them feel good, but comments can make them feel as though you are invading their privacy. So tread carefully.

Social media and rocky parent-child relationships
Next question: What if my teen does not share his social media account / does not accept me as a friend? Yes, this could happen if you and your teen tend to argue and disagree about almost everything. I would suggest two things:

  • Chat with your teen, help him understand that you have his best interests at heart.
  • If that doesn’t work, ask an adult family member whom your teen connects with and is a trustworthy person to help out. See if your teen accepts his or her friend requests, and let the adult be your teen’s guide in his social media journey.

Surviving Parenting in the digital age
Yes, it is difficult to be a good parent and be liked by your teen these days. But I don’t worry too much about being liked. You see, while at this time your teen may think you are being archaic and old-fashioned, you need to remember you are only trying to keep your teen safe. Just don’t put the rules down with an iron hand, as that simply does not work with today’s generation.

They believe they are grown ups, and deserve to be treated as such. But as I have mentioned in my earlier articles on this blog, you need to understand that they are not always thinking straight or logically. Put your rules in place, share your perspective, listen to them and walk with them mentally to a solution that works for both of you.

Don’t make every discussion with your teen a power struggle and an ego conflict. It is not. You are still dealing with a child, who currently is reacting like a toddler. So have patience, guide him, love him and let him know that no matter what happens in the world of social media, you still will be his most ardent follower.

~ Bharti Athray

I almost abandoned my teen!

There are days when my teen and I get along like the old times, when he will hug me and hang around me like a nine year old. And then there are other times, when he will mumble at everything I tell him and make me want to shake him and get him to answer me properly. He is tall lanky guy who seems to wear this ‘I know what I want’ look most of the time.

I thought my teen wanted to be left alone
So where his academics are concerned, I would keep a watch but let him decide his study time and portion completion. This I quickly realized was a bad idea, we had to stay up till 2 am one night to complete the study for next morning’s exam.

He had a different set of friends as school over the last two years, as elective subjects were introduced their batch has been shuffled. This meant he was hanging out with kids I knew nothing about, much less anything about their parents. Over time, I lost touch with what was happening with his friends, how his relationships were growing… he would share some stories of school, every once in a while, so I did know the names, but what were they like, their habits and personalities, I had little clue. I felt I would be intruding if I asked too many questions.

After all, when I did ask the questions, I would get vague, monosyllabic answers; so I left him to his own devices believing he was now old enough to handle his relationships. A few cracks in these relationships with people who were once very close to him caused him pain and anxiety. Something I learned almost a year after the incident had happened. And my young boy had been struggling with the issue, without even realizing it, all by himself; with some help from friends who were as clueless as he was.

I was wrong!
This incident made me question the very premise that we parents come to adopt that these teens are now old enough and mature enough to handle their lives on their own. I believe, parents of boys feel this more as the boy grows up, chooses to share little about what’s happening with him and worse, refuses to share anything that is bothering him (they feel boys are not supposed to share or feel weak or hurt).

While theoretically I do know this is what the teen boys think and feel, I didn’t catch it when my teen was going through this phase. He seemed to go through his regular day without saying anything and I just assumed things were fine with him, and I did not have to keep on asking him how he was doing.

When, one day, he shared that things were not absolutely fine with him, I realized my assumptions about him being able to handle stuff were wrong. Ok, let me state here that I am not doubting his ability to excel, I am not saying he is not mature enough to understand all that is happening with him, but what I realized is that my approach of staying away and letting him solve his problems on his own was probably what was wrong.

What science says
My research on the topic led me to this Wall Street Journal article (link provided below), where various studies explain the behavior of teens from the age of 11 through till they are 18 years old. The article makes for a very interesting read, especially if you have kids in this age group. The writer has shared a careful analysis of the behavior of children as they grow through these years and the areas where they need parental support and intervention.

Here’s a quick snapshot of what is required from parents of 15-16 year olds.

Apparently these are the two years that teens are most prone to taking risks. According to the paper, ‘the brain’s reward receptors are blossoming, amplifying adolescents’ response to dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with feelings of pleasure and satisfaction. This makes thrill-seeking more desirable than it will ever be again. Normal fears of danger are temporarily suppressed during adolescence, a shift scientists believe is rooted in an evolutionary need to leave home and explore new habitats.’

My responsible little boy was turning edgy
I think this insight is amazing. My young teen has been one of the kids who has always judged risk well in his younger days, to the extent that he hardly hurt himself physically during his toddler years. I have always considered him a very sensible young man. And then, suddenly, in the last one year, he has been willing to experiment with his career, go to the very edge of what we call the standard, and at times, making me panic.

Parental support makes a difference
It was heartening to know that according to experts, this age is not too late for warm, supportive parents to make a difference. In a laboratory risk-taking test, teens who grew closer to their parents starting at age 15 showed less activation of a brain region linked to risk-taking and took fewer chances 18 months later, according to a 2015 study of 23 adolescents published in Developmental Cognitive Neuroscience. The closeness to parents included having parents’ respect and help talking through problems, and an absence of arguing or yelling, according to the study.

Choosing to be a part of my teen’s world – again
These scientific findings have helped me re-look at my relationship with my son. First, I began talking to him more often, trying to get him to share his daily life as he used to in his younger days. I stopped leaving him alone, though he did display that he wanted me to.

I fell back on the research I had done and the papers I read, that they are open to advise if you don’t push it down their throat. Till I began this project on understanding my teen better, I used to let him make a lot of his study decisions on his own. And this often landed him in a soup, where the last day would see him struggling to complete submissions, and study. The last few days, I have begun to guide him with clear timelines, telling him that he needs to do certain tasks at a given time.

While there is an initial resistance to being told what to do, I find that he does see sense in what I tell him. And he will follow the instruction with, of course, a few tweaks of his own. I do believe this change in approach will enable him to score better marks at his exams, and as I handhold him to logical decision making, he too will learn to make better decisions for himself.

Don’t be hurt by your teen’s behaviour
As I continue my exploration of how the teen mind works, I am increasingly realizing how ill-equipped we, parents are when it comes to helping our children cope with these tumultuous years. Instead of being their pillars of support, we are too busy nursing our own hurt as they begin to challenge our authority, tell us that we don’t really know how the world works, and that they don’t want to live with us anymore, that we are interfering in their space.

This is difficult for most parents to handle, but letting go of your children at this stage is like abandoning them when they need you the most. They are in the process of finding themselves, and tend to experiment with not just different hairstyles and clothes, but also with different personalities. This leads them to hang out with different kinds of people, make friends with peers they may never have interacted with at school earlier… this is also the time when they have many arguments with their friends as each one tries to prove his or her point.

You need to be your teen’s biggest fan!
In the backdrop of all that is happening emotionally and socially, these are crucial academic years for the child, as he /she is in the process of completing schooling. But with so much happening outside the class, and the emotional centres of the brain being in overdrive, these youngsters can often feel alone, misunderstood and isolated. They feel they can’t trust anyone. In this situation, if you as a parent too pull out your support, the young teen is actually abandoned and has to fend for him / her self.

This condition of being left alone, constantly being reprimanded at home for poor time management, improper behavior and too many restrictions on dressing and social etiquette leads to immensely aggressive behavior among these youngsters. Further, it creates permanent behavior patterns that they carry into their adult life. Much of what we as parents tell them now, becomes their self talk in the adult years.

These facts and research papers made me realize that we need to be as involved in the lives of our teens as we were when they first began school. Just as they were unsure of their environment then, they are now. It’s just that they don’t come home crying about a fight they had, nor does their teacher call us to school to say he / she is acting up.

Your teen son still wants to be loved, hugged and appreciated.

So my suggestion to my peers is, if you have become a hands-off parent as the teen years set in, with the belief that you were giving your youngster freedom… well, maybe you need to relook at your stance. Your teen’s happiness is still your responsibility and he still needs you to hug him, love him and appreciate him even if he does not ask for it. In other words, your teen wants you to be his biggest fan. Please don’t let him down!





Read more of the Wall Street Journal research article here:


When teens go beyond the ‘safe’ careers

So what are you advising your teen to pick as her career? My son, already in his Std. X and due to pass out in another couple of months has turned my very safe and sorted advise on its head. Being responsible Indian parents, we have been preparing him for a career in sciences, in the subject of his choice.

Then suddenly in July of last year, he returned from a month long camp with Seeds of Peace in the US where he met his peers from the Middle East, our neighbouring Pakistan, from the US; and he decided he was going to be a storyteller. ‘There are enough people in the world working in the areas of science, the world does not need one more engineer or a doctor. I want to get people’s stories out there and I want others like me to understand and know what it is like to live in Palestine, to grow up in Israel; to see war every day and still love life.’ Those are his words.

Of course, after the first wave of passion had ebbed, we looked to explain to him how he needed to consider a proper education, something that would qualify him for a ‘regular’ job, and then if his passion for storytelling still was strong, he could always build his career there. So for the last six months, we have discussed, chatted and explored his career options and now even as he sits just 2 months away from his finals, the options are completely open.

As a parent, I am proud of his ability to think beyond the obvious, I am happy that he has found a passion that he really connects to. But on the other hand, I worry about what kind of a career he will have, when he chooses to tell the stories of people living in war-torn areas. Following his declaration, I checked out the various war writers and learnt that they have difficult lives, and they are totally committed to their careers. Most of them walk a very thin line between life and death, and their experiences teach them to see the war situations in a different light. Often this unique perspective of theirs threatens the political situation and they are not allowed to voice their opinions in the mainstream media. Many of these journos and war reporters have to publish their own books to get their stories out there… to me, all of this sounds like a recipe for a very unstable and unsafe future.

Is this what I want my boy to be doing? I am not sure. I share my opinions with him and he kind of listens to it all, some of it does scare him… knowing that a career on the war front would mean almost no family life, it would means living in constant fear of what could happen to him. I constantly speak to him of how he can help the people living in these areas better with technical skills in engineering or medicine, and he listens to that too.

As I read the various researches on how teens are biologically ill-equipped for decision making, I increasingly feel I must take the decision for him as he sets about choosing a line of study. Maybe the solution lies in enabling him to see my side of the story and convincing him that we have only his best interests at heart.

But this very approach makes me question whether we are not clipping his wings even before he has taken flight. Taking the safe route, studying the sciences at some good university seems like the sensible thing to do. How will it influence his dream of being storyteller, of connecting to those whom the whole world has shut out? He writes poems, creates art and loves alternative music, loves to perform and is truly the creative package. As the next few months unfold, I look forward to exploring and planning his future along with him, and I do believe that things will work out for the best.

I am well aware of the careers people are making as Instagram and Facebook influencers, having their YouTube channels, and otherwise making careers out of social media. But to me, these are short term opportunities to be cashed in. These are not careers even though they make money for the individuals involved. So while I do enjoy coming across these really popular people on the internet and reading about their success, I am rather skeptical about how long the success lasts. And what happens ones these opportunities dry up? Will the individual, if required, have the skills to survive beyond the media opportunities?

~ Bharti Athray

Why teens find it hard to study

“It’s not that we find it hard to study. See, we study when we need to, like this afternoon, I could study for 2 hours at a stretch, and I was in the zone. Then I took a break and got completely distracted, after that I found it difficult to get back.” Yes, that was my teen’s answer to the question, why do teens find it hard to study. I am sure many teens and parents would relate to this.

There is a huge amount of study out there that explains why teenagers find it difficult to concentrate on any one thing for extended periods of time. If you are one of those parents worrying about your teen slacking off during study time, take heart. Your child is not being lazy or careless – he / she is a hapless victim of neurobiology.

Research shows teen brains function like that of younger children
According to a research paper published in 2010 in The Guardian, teenagers’ brains continue developing far longer into adulthood than previously thought – in fact the development continues till the late 20s. Adolescents may look like young adults but their brain structure resembles that of much younger children.

According to Dr Iroise Dumontheil of University College London’s Institute of Cognitive Neuroscience, one of the authors who published this research paper in Journal of Neuroscience, it is not always easy for adolescents to pay attention in class without letting their minds wander, or to ignore distractions from their younger sibling when trying to solve a maths problem.

She goes on to explain that the distraction had to do with the structure of the teen brain that simply did not have the same mental capacities as that of an adult. In fact, when the brain activity of teens was measured through MRI scans, as they tried to solve a problem in their heads while ignoring environmental distractions, it was found that the prefrontal cortex (the front part of the brain) had as much chaotic activity as that seen in young children.

Too much grey matter causes too much brain activity
This excessive activity in the prefrontal cortex disrupts an individual’s ability to make decisions and multi-task, as the brain gets involved in a lot of needless activity every time it has to make decisions.

“We knew that the prefrontal cortex of young children functioned in this chaotic way but we didn’t realise it continued until the late 20s or early 30s,” said Dr Sarah-Jayne Blakemore, who led the study.

These experts explain that the chaotic thought patterns are a result of teenagers’ brains containing too much grey matter – the cell bodies and connections which carry messages within the brain. As we age, the amount of grey matter in our brains decreases and enables the adult brain to work more effectively.

Do not expect your teen to think like you
What this research reveals is that our teens are not be blamed if they seem distracted, disoriented and lost. I have noticed that sometimes making a simple decision like what to wear for an evening out can take a long time where my teen is involved. This can irritate me to no end, and I always end up lecturing him on how he needs to speed up the decision making.

The above facts made me realize that it is not his fault, his brain is just not processing information as mine does. I am certain that further research on the topic will explain the laid back behavior we see in these young boys and girls. If you have ever called out a teen in an emergency, you would see that their response time is appalling. One often has to call out to them a couple of times before they even register that you are calling out to them.

Disinterested, distracted teen? It’s normal.
As a parent, this research information has made me realize that I do not really need to get on to my teen’s case. I have always worried that his lack of punctuality will become a habit with him into his adult life. Also his messy habits have had me climbing walls, wondering how he was going to operate in the real world. But the above findings reveal that confusion, lack of clarity are a part of the growing up process and as parents we need to realize that and help guide them through this chaotic period in their life.

These learnings, I believe are enabling me to see my teen’s behavior in a better light, understand him better, and I am more patient with him now than I was before.

Technology adds to distraction
This said, it is important to note that today’s generation has even more distraction than the last one: with smartphones, social media, web browsing and the like. While teens do understand that it is difficult to study and manage their social media profiles at the same time, they often seem unable to control themselves. With smartphones always within an arm’s reach, these young ones can often be seen whiling away precious study time on these gadgets. In light of the above research, parents should make the effort to keep the smartphones away from the teens while they are studying. Keeping the gadgets in another room can prove to an effective solution, as it removes the temptation, and the teen does not have to struggle with having to make a decision.

What strategies do you apply to help your teen focus and study better? Please share in the comments below.

To read the original article published in The Guardian, click here.

~ Bharti Athray

21 Pilots: My teen’s role models

This is really a small peep into how my teen has chosen his role models, and can I as a parent influence the choice. Right, so my teen’s role models are the two guys who go under the name of 21 Pilots. To name, it’s Tyler Joseph and Josh Dun. My young adult knows most of the band’s song lyrics by-heart and constantly encourages me to listen to one or another amazing song that he loves by the band.

21 Pilots as role models, their philosophy

When I asked him what he likes about these two individuals, his answer was rather interesting. ‘For me, I am not interested in them as individuals but more as the band: 21 Pilots. I like what the band stands for, I like their philosophy and their lyrics.’ Of course, when my teen is waxing eloquent about his fav band, I do not break his line of thought by asking him what their philosophy is. Instead, I later google them to find that their very name has been selected to represent a way of living, choosing between doing what’s easy and doing what’s right.

How role models impact the teens

I see this line of thinking reflected in my teen’s choices and behavior quite often, and am glad to see that he has picked a band that holds values high. And that they are Christians, (though not a Christian band) they have faith. To me, having faith in something, anything – is important. When you don’t have faith, you are like a ship without a rudder. You can choose to believe in Christ, or Mary, or Krishna, or any of the many Gods out there, or of course you can choose to be an atheist. That’s fine too, but you must know what you believe in, and in your mind your set of beliefs and life rules must be well defined. This gives you a structure to live your life by, else you will find yourself swinging in different directions every single day.

Tyler is a poet, their songs are poetry. My son writes poetry too, and he does say his work has been inspired by the band. His favourite album by the group is Vessel, he says the songs are more meaningful and the lyrics are more profound. I went through the lyrics, but was not able to connect much; maybe I am missing something there that he has discovered.


21 Pilots fans with Skeleton, key iconography of the band.

Can parents influence their teen’s choice of a role model?

When I checked with my teen how he would react if I told him that he ought to take Abraham Lincoln for his role model, his answer was interesting. ‘I will read up about him, see what he was like and figure out whether his line of thinking makes sense to me. I won’t accept him as a role model simply because you ask me to, but, ya, I would find out about him.’

This means, he is open to ideas and thinking; and it would make sense for me to connect him to the kind of role models I would like him to follow.

The problem with the historical heroes

I find that it is not so easy for parents to get the young teens to connect with those whom we consider ideal role models. You see, Abe Lincoln does not have music videos, he does not rap, he does not have instagram accounts or facebook accounts where today’s generation can find out what he’s been upto.


This fictional story about Abraham Lincoln is the one that my teen remembers most about this great man ;(

If he has to read up about Abe, my teen will have to refer to an online or an offline book, watch a few documentaries, and watch some historical movies. How does this compare to the hot and happening alternative music band ‘21 Pilots’? Well, Abe would fall short on so many counts.

Tyler and Josh have stories about how they grew to fame, how they played music in the local high school grounds before they made it big, and how they are grounded in what they do.

21pilots insta

Teens can follow their favourite celebs on instagram and FB and track their every move!

Where the difference lies

This connectedness, their interviews, sharings, their interaction with their fans, the fandom – the complete package makes modern day celebrities much more attractive role models for today’s generation than all those people we looked upto in our growing up years. The difference lay in the fact that before the advent of the internet, we would read about the likes of Lincoln and Edison in books, and contemporary celebs in the newspaper.

They would not share their everyday lives, and events and stories with us as social media allows today. This core difference in the access to the people we admire is making teens today choose their role models from the world around them.

Living legends: Why it makes sense for teens to follow them

From a growth perspective, the young teen pretty much has access to all technology, media and resources that the celebs do. The difference is social networks, but successes on Vine have shown that if you keep putting your work out there, you can be successful, you will be found. This, I believe, is a great inspiration to the young, where they realize that they have everything they need to become like their role models. They just need to follow the steps.

The flip side


I loved Woody Allen’s work and was shattered to read about his step daughter’s story of sexual abuse.

The problem with following role models from your own generation, and I am sure every generation has faced this, is that you really do not know if the path the celeb is following is the right one. With people who have made history, their lives have been studied, recorded and analysed, and we know for a fact that the decisions they took, the values they upheld stood them in good stead.

Unfortunately the same cannot be said about living legends. Case in point: Lance Armstrong, Whitney Houston, Woody Allen, to name but a few.

I have looked upto each of these people in my growing up years only to realize that Lance’s victories were drug induced, Whitney ODed on drugs and died a sad death; and that Woody Allen has been accused of sexual abuse by his step daughter.

When role models fail you


You begin to suspect every success, look for loopholes that the currently popular celebrity may possibly have used to be successful. It makes you cynical.

But of course, this typically happens when you are in your mid-thirties, and the role models you grew up with have grown old along with you and are at the fag-end of their success run.

A Mom’s solution to Role Model Puzzle

Well, having looked at the issue from both sides, I realize there is no clear cut answer, and I can’t force my teen to look up to someone I like. I can introduce him, tell him stories about this person, but beyond that my teen will decide for himself.

A thought that comes to my mind today, is that maybe I should have started introducing the people I consider role models to my child earlier. While I have always encouraged reading in him, and he reads a lot on animals, nature and National Geographic, I never really paid too much attention to him reading biographies.


Let’s get our little ones to read about these amazing heroes and heroines and how they changed the world. Maybe we will be a step closer to helping them choose these greats as role models in the coming years.

Would that have influenced him? Would he have found a conventional hero to follow earlier on through books and would that have impacted his thinking differently? I don’t know but it would definitely be worth finding out!

~ Bharti Athray


What’s happening inside your teen’s brain?

When my teen argues with me about mundane stuff like not-so-happening dinner, an extra five minutes in the bathroom when he is getting ready for school in the morning; it really irritates me. Here I am either at the end of a long day trying to finish dinner and wind up for the night; or at the start of the day, ensuring he and his brother reach the bus stop on time and all he wants to do is argue. Most of the time the argument is just a couple of lines from his side and a couple from mine, but it does bother me for he has never been the arguing type. I can’t help but wonder what’s up with him – I mean why can’t he just fall in line and do the simple things the way we do: be on time, have the meal without having to discuss it, take a bath in a jiffy… these small things really make me wonder how he is going to be punctual and organized in his adult life.

When I asked him what goes on in his head, he said studies. Not surprising, as he is currently in the middle of his term exams, and he said that was the only thing that was on his mind. This led me to check out what happens in the teen brain and the content that I came across was interesting as it gave actual scientific explanations as to why the teens behave the way they do.

Apparently, during the teens, an individual’s brain is making as many neural connections as the brain of a two year oldtoddler. So just like 2 year olds are prone to tantrums, and mood swings simply because they do not know how to control their emotions, the teens too are going through a similar biological development.


According to an article posted by American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, adolescents differ from adults in the way they behave, solve problems, and make decisions. There is a biological explanation for this difference. Studies have shown that brains continue to mature and develop throughout childhood and adolescence and well into early adulthood. Here is what the article says about the teen brain:

‘Scientists have identified a specific region of the brain called the amygdala that is responsible for immediate reactions including fear and aggressive behavior. This region develops early. However, the frontal cortex, the area of the brain that controls reasoning and helps us think before we act, develops later. This part of the brain is still changing and maturing well into adulthood.’

As this part of the brain that enables decision making and logical thinking is still under development, teen behaviour is often seen as unreasonable. One moment they can be chirpy, happy and the life of the party and within moments they can change in behaviour and seem withdrawn and aloof.

As parents, we need to understand what these children are thinking and feeling. We need to appreciate that although the teen has almost grown to our size, they are undergoing changes that make them immensely vulnerable and sensitive. We need to appreciate that they are dealing with issues within that they may choose not to talk about and as parents we need to learn to respect their choice.

One of the most common mistakes parents make with issues of a teen, is to ignore the problem, and push it away as a minor phase that will pass. Look up the internet and you will find thousands of young men and women who have gone through the nightmare of being misunderstood, suffering from anxiety, depression, mental illness and most of these young people do not really know whom to reach out to. Telling their parents is usually avoided as they don’t want to worry their parents. And if the child lands in the wrong kind of company, this could spell disaster for the child and the family.

As parents, we need to make time for our children when we do not advise them, give the pep talk or quiz them on their performance in school. They are old enough to know what they want, but usually do not know how to ask for the same.

If you have a teen at home, please do not react to their sullen behaviour or sudden outbursts. Do not ask ‘what is wrong with you?’ even the young teen does not know why he or she is behaving in a certain way, and he / she is pushing the limits to establish new boundaries. Let your child explore new avenues and spaces physically and mentally and let him / her find his own area of comfort and joy.

~ Bharti Athray

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